I don't usually arrange sex via text message
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
