I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
