Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
