dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
