Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The best revenge is premature balding
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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