i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
His nipple licking is glorious
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