This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
