What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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