In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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