So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
