Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
