Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
