Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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