I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
