dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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