is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
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