Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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