Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
