One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Randomize
