i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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