Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
