I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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