who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
