Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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