she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
