I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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