Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Houston, we have a blender
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
