I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
