My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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