she woke up with a sticky ear
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
