At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
