Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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