you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
