At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
