it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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