well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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