Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
