The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
