Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
