Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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