dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
