Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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