When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
