You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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