I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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