My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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