either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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