One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
