is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
