I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
