I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
