According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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