I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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