He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
