I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
