you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
