Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
