Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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