Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
